Overdue

Things changes, but much stays the same. Seasons cycle, we remain on earth. What has stayed: I am still working at the pub. I’ve been there for 3 years now. I almost got fired last week bc my boss walked up on me pouring well bourbon for myself. When I found out I got mad and cried. My ecstatic emotions have stayed the same too. I’d like to say I have a hold on them, but only on smooth days. Almost getting fired is fine. I get mad because I got caught. Every other person in that place took shots that day – St. Patrick’s Day – the busiest day of the year in our town. You bet your ass I snuck a shot. The shot I poured wasn’t even for me! It was for my barback!

What has changed… (since last we spoke) My relationship status.
I have been with H- for a year and a half now. I am in love with him. I spent a lot of time chasing love, only to caught unexpectedly by him. Granted, I spent most of the prowl late night in bars. The majority of my writings has been about my longing for love and misadventures with men. I wanted love and boy, oh boy, let me tell you that love did not come how I planned that it would. It came as it should. As a surprise. Nothing is known about love except for it is there. Love is lessons. Love is layers.

What has remained: the empty feeling.
I return to this blog because I am lonely. Love is in the back room sleeping. I am wide awake in our trailer texting love letters to the internet.
I still crave connection.
I battle my demons even move now, face to face with them.
I am finally at home every night (what had changed: refer to old posts if you’d like, I used to go out every night after work. Yet here I am at home. Been that way for a while now, my co-workers call me boring.)
I always wanted a boyfriend so bad because it acted as a distraction. Someone’s arms to hold, someone else’s problems to fix.
Not like anyone would stick around before, the chase, the game itself was distracting enough.
This is for real. When you actually get in a relationship, your problems start seeping out like stained sheets. A boyfriend can help with your problems, baby, but he’s for big one of his own. It doesn’t make the load lighter, it just makes the trip easier.
I still feel…. useless a lot. I will be 26 soon and I think to myself, if I keep doing this to myself all my life I will want to die early. There has to be a solution.

What has changed: my faith… again… (I think?)
My solution is God. I have done a full 360 on beliefs here. I don’t know if I’ll continue this cycle and become a hardcore atheist again, then agnostic, then believer… I think maybe so.
My faith has evolved. I was raised Christian, Pentecostal to be precise (which makes a difference). I was very, very devoted. Then… when I was 21 saw all the holes in my faith and denounced God.
Now I’m here, not exactly thumping a Bible, but thumbing through it….
H- had a big part to play in it. He’s a Hare Krishna, that’s something to bring home. Ha! (I did and they love him.)

Has had remained: my love and devotion to writing.
It has not shown here, but do not be dismayed, I have been honing my craft while away.

After I was fired from Block by Block (a year ago now) I got depressed. That’s one of those not so smooth times. I wallowed in my failure. Reveled in my missed opportunity. Cried a whole lot.
And I put the pen down for a while, yes, just a break to listen…. and learn… and I don’t want to wallow anymore.

I want to do good work.

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