I saw her coming from across the room in a short dress. Her thighs wrapped tight like a present. I watched her stride so confidently, tossing her long, dark hair. She was stunning. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, but I did, literally whipping my body around so I couldn’t see her anymore.
My first instinct was jealousy. It came like vomit, gushing from a bubbly source with force. It shot straight through me. Honestly, it was the momentum I needed to look away from her—so perfect in her green shimmery dress—I was entranced, and I could of stare at her for eternity and not run out of reasons why she was better than me.
Envy wretched, it filled my mouth with filth that I refused to say aloud.
The words came to me, but I bottled them up, Bitch, cunt, fucking slut… rattled inside my brain like boulders banging on walls. I felt assaulted that they even entered my mind, like I was the one that they were beating. Only when I turned around and saw her—her leaning like an elm tree, arms slender like branches wrapped around him, Chase—did I allow the onslaught of words towards her.
“Cheat, liar, fucking whore…” under my breath.
Anger seized me. It was a rushing energy that hit me like a car crash, like getting the breath knocked right out of you. I wanted to knock the breath out of her. I wanted to take Chase by the collar and shake him until everything he’s hidden away from me came falling out his pockets.
Something in me told me that I should. That I had every right to fucking give him a piece of my mind because he stole a piece of my heart. That he was an asshole who lied to me. He never did love me. He used me. He’s a lying cocksucker, a no good dickbag, and damn it, I wish I could just scream it at him—he deserves to know! I want to shatter his illusion that he’s this good guy.
There was this feeling rising up in me, like water threatening the ceiling, and soon I would burst. Soon I would explode. I felt like the exhale of a bull.
I noticed that I was staring. I noticed that I was unnoticed. He had pulled her closer to him by her tiny waist. I wanted to vomit and scream at the same time. I simultaneously wanted to punch and kiss him. I wanted her to feel the way I do, like a tiny, far off figure left behind in the mist.
There were two whispers in my ear like slithering tongues, “She is so much prettier than you, no wonder he left,” and “Rip their fucking hair out, cause a scene.”
They were moving, his arm wrapped around her shoulder—he had never walked with me like that—like he was presenting her to the world. He was proud, beaming, he was in love, he was looking around the room to see who was looking at him and then he saw me. He saw me and didn’t acknowledge I was standing there. Like he hadn’t all night, like he hadn’t this whole time. Even though I came to this very spot because I know it’s where he likes to go.
They were leaving me alone with the thoughts in my head, with the only things that stay in the end.
Another feeling knocked on my door and let itself in, as it had only left temporarily. It stretched itself, surrounding my mind like a mist, silencing the others, deafening my senses. Sadness lay upon me.
. . . . . . . . . .
End. (For now)
Author end note: It’s been literally a year since I’ve posted. I have been in hiding- not just from you- but from everybody.
A lot can be said for low self esteem. For trying and failing. for beating yourself up. I have been in the dirt, but am growing here, poking my head from the soil… it is spring now, after all.