They say that Insanity defined is doing the same thing and expecting different results. It is a saying I recall my father saying, my pastor saying, a people saying. So try something different.
And I know what they mean. And I know they mean well, these people passing me. Good Samaritans all who stop on their way to call, Come on! Hurry up! Looking down on me like I’m in a rut,
But I’m not.
Lindsey, are you on drugs? My mother asked me very calmly holding her iphone on the other side of the couch.
I considered her for a moment.
No, I’m not.
My brother is on drugs. Cracked out, coked up, but I smoke natural green. We are the two sides, he and I, and she and I, the perfect one who took a puff and her cheeks reddened with her eyes and she cried.
It’s like you were raised by a different family.
She says this calmly, too.
Yeah, like by one of your siblings. Her siblings. She picked up a new name proudly. My last name.
You don’t act like them.
I reach up and scratch my head proudly. There are two patches of poofy, dark hair protruding from my underarms. It disgusts her and it amuses me.
Lindsey, my hippy.
She hugs me.
We both realize I am more like her, like her side, than the others, and that probably produces bizarre feelings in her.
But I’ve got them in them. Me. Them. My roots. My kin. My crazy family.
One side big and loud and boisterous, goofy and loving, spreading hugs and kisses to everyone,
The other quiet and small and with lots of problems,
But they’re both family. They’re both me. I’m this mixed up hybrid and am okay with it.
Do I look okay? I ask my friend.
You look like Lindsey.
Yeah, but is that okay?
It’s you. So yeah.
Good Samaritans, all helping me. But by god! I am crazy! And I am me!
Embracing my roots and growing.
They say keep moving,
Try something different.
They move their whole lives, looking, wandering… seeking but not finding because they don’t look long enough,
Because it won’t load fast enough,
I’ll sit and wait here by the dust,
Into the dirt.
Just a little bit farther and I might strike gold.