I had thought I’d be further along by now.
What is about Life that we feel entitled to a certain way of living? My egocentric brain tells me that I deserve better. However, nothing has been done, and I am sure that, if this continues, I will be thinking the same thing a decade from now.
I reread my journal entries. On January 1, 2015, I wrote that this will be the year I move away.
It is 2016 and I am still here. On January 1, 2016, I wrote the same thing.
I do not wish to tell you my resolutions. For I am sure that, if I do, I will not do them.
I do wish to tell you that, regardless of all my flaws and failures, I am expectant.
I am not entitled. Surely the world does not owe me the Life I dream of living. I doubt that the world really cares what I do. In its indifference I will slip away.
It is in recognizing our flaws and failures that we can wiggle free from their grasp. I am lazy, lazy, lazy.
Today my alarm sounded at 9, at 9:30, at 10. Dozens of 8-minute intervals later, I rose at noon.
Lazy, lazy, lazy.
I reread my journal entries. Last year I had no resolutions. Last year I graduated from college. I finished my four years anxious and afraid, unsure of who I was and what I was doing. It was my goal to relax and refocus.
It was in 2015 that I lounged in the park and read novels and discovered music and went to coffee shops and art galleries and strolled the sidewalks of Savannah by myself looking for myself.
And it was in 2015 that I found her, looking back at me in the reflection of glass panels, puddles of rains, and my phone screen.
I came into my identity as a writer. I left behind my fears of 2014, of which I cannot remember, and do not wish to.
I am expectant. I cultivated a lifestyle of introspection and relaxation, which was good for me, but turned into a vice that I can’t seem to get rid of. Yet. It is early January, and I am still young, and there is so much more ahead.
It is 2016 and I am still here. I am me. I know what I want. I know it so much that it hurts. My chest feels heavy with it. My mind fears it.
But I will move myself into a sphere of achievement. I will become.