( I )

The first time I masturbated

I was older

I can’t remember how old

I was a late teen

I can’t remember when

where I was

I can’t remember why

I did it

I just remember feeling

an immense shame

I remember feeling

very frustrated

I twisted and pulled my fingers

what was I doing

I remember uncharted terrain

right below me

I remember pushing past

those signs

that read go no further

my hand felt dirty

chains jingled on my wrists

the angel on my shoulder

turned his face

and my devil

showed the way

I got lost

I remember nothing happening

realizing that

I was a bad lover

to myself

to them

I couldn’t even sin right

I felt dirty


it was the worst thing ever

so I didn’t do it after that

I stopped

for a while

my hand sinned against me

chained it to my side

the hand which carried

my burden

was my burden to bear

to wash vigorously

to cleanse

to protect

my virgin innocence lost

committed suicide

on myself

the blood is mine

my hand sinned against me

so I gave me away

as if I had something to give

I remember

thinking I didn’t

I remember

feeling so naked

feeling so


feeling so


I didn’t

mourn over my virginity

I already lost it

I remember

caging my instincts

I remember

fearing sexuality

looking at myself in the mirror

not knowing

if I was desirable

not knowing

if I was enough

And then

when I wasn’t enough for him

looking for

comfort in my shame

pigs wallow

dogs return

to vomit


can hope for no further

if we not use the things

that separate

us from them

brains to think

and hands

to use


3 thoughts on “( I )

  1. I am fond of this work. I like your wiring style as well. I all new to writing about taboo topics but I’m enjoying it. If you are interested in exchanging guest blog entries please email me. I look forward to swing more of your work.


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